I have been experiencing some strange symptoms including- night sweats- (nice way to start a conversation) Tiredness- extreme tiredness, forgetfulness- extreme forgetfulness! I was tested for over active thyroid and the Doctor said if it came back clear we would then test for menopause. When it came back clear I decided not to go back, if menopause is coming, it’s coming- I wasn’t going to go look for it. A few months later I went to a gut health talk in Soulbia. The dietician Kirsten Crothers was talking about Coeliac disease and she listed all of my symptoms, including one I had forgotten to mention to the Doctor- pins and needles in my hands and feet and face and somewhere else- private! So off I went to the Doctor and told him about my pins and needles. Pins and needles in my face and feet and hands and vagina (I said the word vagina to my doctor- cringe) then about the gut health talk- he looked at me and said, ‘it is not coeliac, coeliac doesn’t present itself that way’ so he asked me to stand up and walk in a straight line- which I did but not very well- I almost fell over- then he asked me to follow his finger with my eyes- which I did- I don’t know if I did that well or not. So he said, ‘I’m going to refer you to a neurologist to eliminate MS’ ‘WHAT? MS- is this because of my vagina? ( I said vagina again, what is wrong with me) ‘no, it’s coeliac, can you test for coeliac?’ He was very obliging and took blood to check for coeliac and said ‘no, it isn’t just about your vagina (now he said vagina- Oh God) it is the pins and needles in your extremities…’ but he had lost me. MS was all I could think about as he spoke to me, telling me, I’m still going to be the same person walking out of his office as I was walking in… I think he was trying to help but he sounded very serious- almost like I had MS. My eyes started to sting. I ask him what are the waiting lists like and he said, not great, then I remembered I may have health insurance through my husbands job. He tells me to find out and get back to him. I manage a ‘Thank you Doctor’ and I leave. I feel sick. My sister-in-law has MS. It is not nice. That is putting it mildly. I walk to the car and see a text from my husband. ‘How did you get on at the doctor?’ ‘He’s testing for MS. need health insurance details’ ‘ok. Stay positive. Are you okay? it’s just precaution’ I start the car and remember my mum is with the girls, what will I tell her. I can’t mention MS. I decide that is she asks I ‘ll say I’m being tested for coeliac- which is true. I want to cry. My girls, my babies. I don’t want to have MS. It is not fair on them. They don’t deserve a mother who has MS. I get home and luckily my mum doesn’t ask anything and makes a swift exit- the girls must have worn out. Seeing the girls my head spins a little. I love them so much. I am so grateful for them. I need to get better for them and I need to make sure they are never ill. I am going to be positive. We have the book ‘the china study’ I go to the chapter on autoimmune and that’s it. I’m going vegan- the girls are going vegan, my husband is going vegan. Milk is bad. No more milk. I’m feeling good.. If I have MS I am going to cure myself of it. It is going to work.. Everything is okay- actually I’m kinda buzzing. Maybe it’s adrenalin. I play with the girls and appreciate every second of it. Then my husband comes home and kills my buzz. He is very sullen looking. I can’t deal with his worry. I don’t want people to worry. I wish he would go back to work and on to University like he is supposed to but he has decided to take the rest of the day off. He asks me what the Doctor said and my voice cracks- (WHY?? I’m positive- it’s all good- why is my voice letting me down) I haven’t said it out loud yet. I’ve just text it- so it’s still not real. I don’t want to say it and put it out into the universe- making it more real somehow. It’s like using a debit card over cash. I never feel as bad using my debit card because I can’t see the money disappear but when I hand over cash- it hurts!! So here I am. About to make a transaction I don’t know if I have the goods to back it up! ‘I don’t want to talk about it right now’ but he persists so I give him a little bit of details and suddenly everything gets so serious again. I ring the Doctor’s office to get the name of the neurologist to make an appointment. They tell me to ring back later and they’ll have it. What if it’s not MS, what if MS is the BEST case scenario- not the worst case scenario. Fear is taking over. I must divert it. I tell my husband milk is bad- no more milk. He rolls his eyes. I go online and search. I find Dr Wahls. She cured herself of MS through her diet. I order both her books. I go in and play with the girls again. They are mad craic. The make my heart happy. With them I can do anything. Everything is going to be okay. That night I lie in bed. ‘I don’t even have MS’ ‘If I have MS I am going to beat MS, I can cope’ ‘I can’t cope, I don’t want MS’ ‘What if it’s not MS, what if it’s something worse’ ‘I don’t even have MS’ ‘If I have MS I am going to beat it, I can TOTALLY cope with this’ ‘what if it’s not MS’…..