Anxiety is such a part of who I am I don’t know what is ‘normal’ and what is not.  I have the odd anxiety attack- where I get completely overwhelmed and hot and nauseated and very unsettled- which is a mild word for the feeling.  But my daily anxiety is something different.  It is cutting the power to the dishwasher because I can’t get it out of my head that it is going to go up in flames. It is opening my girls bedroom door because now I think their salt lamp is also going to go up in flames and if the door is closed I won’t hear it or smell it until it is too late.  It is not leaving my girls alone for 1 second when they are eating just in case they start to choke (they are 5 and 2 now) It is not leaving them alone in the bath- not for 1 second- in case they drown.  It is getting up to check the doors are locked- even though I already checked them.  It is worrying one of my family are going to die in their sleep so I orchestrate a way to say ‘I love you’ in our group family chat… it is freaking out when I am driving, in case I can’t get a parking place- I mean sweats and everything.  It is dropping my eldest off at school and having knots in my tummy all day because I won’t know she is safe if I am not with her.   She was at a party in a soft play centre last week- the first time without me, as I was in work but I didn’t want her to miss her friends party- so I thought- what if she falls wrong- breaks her neck and no one notices- I emailed her friends mum and asked her to keep an eye on her for me.  Until I saw she was safe I was on edge all day in work.  It is a constant monologue in my head of everything that can go EXTREMELY wrong.  Most days I manage to hide it but sometimes it escapes me, I get overwhelmed, I get so scared and now I have FND, which I am sure is a result of all the negative and anxious thoughts I have.

One thought on “what does your anxiety look like?

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